Guest story from hisgoatness: THE ADVENTURES OF DOX ROX

Disclaimer: The following is a fictional narrative loosely based on some actual game events(extremely loose). Faggots in said narrative are also loosely based on actual game faggots and personalities. Yes it is long, no there is no cliff notes.

Disclaimer Disclaimer: Yes I was very bored when I wrote this.


Part 1: Bomber Down

The time was 2000 hours, fresh off a day of lectures about his poor CAOD posting habits, Captain Dox Rox walked into the doorway of his personal hangar at the G-TT5V outpost with a bit of gleeful anticipation in his step. After being heckled by the Illuminati Corporation for the configuration of the Chimera class carrier he had custom ordered, he was eager to redeem himself at the next possible military operation. Dox plopped into his desk chair as it creaked at the daunting task of supporting his bulbous mass. Repeatedly missed exercise sessions and a daily lunch of chili covered Delve Dogs was starting to reap rewards towards the blobby figure that was so popular on his home world. He fired up his teamspeak server and logged on to the Pathetic Legion facebook nation to check for news across the alliance. Dox skimmed through the most recent news articles while keeping an open ear for any coms traffic on alliance teamspeak channels. He had barely gotten through the latest xxAngelxx fat jokes and worthless USTZ supcom stories when his headset began to crackle with activity. “Important Fleet Mission, all available pilots stop counting your jew gold and form up at the POS on Gaia Jane. Long range heavy assault cruisers and interdictors requested.” It was no other than the sensual baritone of the Italian Stallion himself, Admiral Goberius. Dox began to sweat in excitement. His microscopic genitals were still a light shade of blue from the last Gobbins lead operation, but he had faith the Italian man pleaser would not fail them again.

Dox Rox surveyed his hangar inventory for a suitable combat vessel for the fleet mission. He dismissed the thought of using his Zealot class cruiser, its too overpowered and everyone flies them anyway. His indecision was quickly washed away when he laid eyes on the next ship in his hangar, a Caldari made Raven class battleship. Sure Admiral Goberius had called for cruiser sized ships, but just yesterday Dox had dispatched six battleships from the Serpentis faction in his Raven, surely it would be the mainstay force in Admiral Goberius’ fleet. With its full rack of cruise missile launchers and thick tungsten armor plating, it would be able to strike from as far as 249km, perfect for sniping an enemy POS. And you never know when your fleet mission will end in attacking a POS when you are a member of Pathetic Legion! Dox smiled proudly as his captain’s capsule was loaded into the Raven. This will show those Illuminati smackers how a combat ship should be fitted.

Dox pulsed the massive ion engines to ease the Raven out of the docking bay while performing the final checks on his systems. As the twinkling brightness of the heavens lit up his front viewport, Dox aligned his navigation system for the coordinates of the alliance form up POS and engaged the warp drives. His captain’s chair jerked slightly, not from the strain of supporting his ass for once, but from the force as his Raven battleship lurched into hyperspace towards the alliance POS. His destination was not far from the outpost he was stationed at so it was a short trip, nevertheless Dox managed to delight on two chili covered Delve Dogs while reviewing the status of his weapons systems. Dox licked the last bit of chili from his chin as his Raven slowed from warp speed and re entered normal space at the form up POS shield barrier. Dox sized up the fleet his alliance had gathered, countless Zealot class cruisers, Muninns, and even some Caldari Cerberus cruisers. Excellent Dox thought to himself, no one has shown up in anything as fantastic as my Raven. He set his navi computer to approach Gaia Jane’s Avatar class titan at zero. “Who is this faggot who brought a Raven”, squawked from the joint coms link. His Heads Up Display was filled with spam lines from the other pilots that simply read, :bos:. Dox ignored their jeers; he knew he would have the last laugh. As he neared Gaia Jane’s titan, Dox heard Admiral Goberius begin to bark out orders, “Jump bridge active, jump bridge active, all pilots jump to destination.” Dox Rox synced his navi computer with the massive titan and watched in awe as the jump vortex opened in front of his Raven and swirled around his viewport.

As the vortex dissipated, Dox sat stunned for a moment. He blinked his eyes twice and begun to gather his bearings. His navi computer chirped alerting him that his current location was the 49-U6U system. He looked up at his viewport and saw the silhouette of a Rapier class recon cruiser with what military experts call a cynosural field pulsing off his starboard bow. Dox only took in the beautiful sight for a split second before watching the Rapier recon erupt in a ball of fire and the vacuum of space swallow up the death cries of the crew. Dox glanced around to the other side of his viewport to see the looming figure of a Deathstar POS with 15 smoking guns pointed where the Rapier used to be. His HUD chirped and went a shade of red, identifying the Deathstar as an enemy combatant. Dox’s chili soaked brain had barely begun to process all that was happening when the Italian Stallion barked over his com unit snapping Dox to attention. “Worthless faggots, stop sitting there and set ship alignment for the star, activate micro warp drive evasive systems, go faggots, go.” The Raven hummed as Dox activated the MWD propulsion system and set his navi computer in line with the system’s single star. Dox looked up as his HUD chirped and a green tactical overlay of the Pathetic Legion fleet displayed over the grid. Damn those cruisers are fast, Dox thought to himself. The tactical overlay agreed, and Dox watched as the fleet moved towards the star and Dox’s Raven quickly fell to the back of the formation.

Dox murmured a silent curse under his breath, but was suddenly interrupted when the Raven violently shook to the starboard side. “Shield impact, integrity holding at 95%,” the report from his bridge crew came through his shipside com unit. It seems the enemy had noticed his slower moving Raven as well. Dox checked his tactical overlay, and sure enough two dozen enemy battleship class ships were moving out from the bottom of the Deathstar shield barrier and bringing their weapons systems online. This was going to get ugly fast, Dox though to himself. Admiral Goberius was quick to respond, “Go weapons hot, primary fire target is AJ Regard, secondary target is Lady Scarlet.” Dox’s HUD chirped yet again as ship designator intelligence was added to the tactical overlay by the admiral. The enemy formation was a mix of Kenzoku Federation and Triple A warships. Dox recognized the primaried enemy captain well, he was well regarded for his accurate unbiased battle debriefings on Scope TV. Dox thumbed the shipside com unit, “Weapons Officer, bring the aft launchers online and set target painting systems for ship id #157. Engage when you have a firing solution”. The mighty Raven shook again as more enemy fire impacted the shield matrix. Dox checked the HUD again, he was falling dangerously behind the allied formation. He diverted more power to the MWD systems sending them into overload mode hoping to coax a little more speed out of the heavy battleship. The heavens from his viewport lit up like the sunrise of a red giant as dozens of laser beams from the Zealot class cruisers raced towards the enemy fleet. Dox wouldn’t be able to enjoy the fireworks though as his Raven was rocked repeatedly by violent collisions that activated the emergency lighting. “Shields are down Captain, multiple armor impacts, integrity at 45%”, his bridge commander’s panicked voice announced over the shipside com. Dox began to sweat. He would not last long under focused enemy fire and the engines just couldn’t move the heavy ship out of range in time. As if personally answering his prayers, a cynosural field lit up his viewport and instantly jumped in a guardian angel. And he brought friends. The enormous Leviathan listed towards the enemy POS flanked by two Avatar class titans. “Good job being bait you useless failure, why don’t you go reevaluate your options”, raged over Dox’s com unit. Dox recognized the friendly voice of Admiral Shadoo, the Pathetic Legion back up Fleet Commander. Before Dox could swallow the lump in his throat, his bridge commander broke through the shipside com, “Fleet warp orders issued from central command sir, following fleet into hyperspace.” As the warp envelope enclosed his Raven, Dox looked back at the Deathstar just as the stars went dark and a massive blackhole opened on the horizon. “Warp Drive Active” his navi computer informed him.

Dox barely had time to gather his thoughts and get a damage report from the crew when his Raven dropped out of hyperspace. The fleet was assembling near a small gas giant a few AU from the enemy POS they had just left. As he set approach vectors with the position of the fleet, Admiral Goberius came over the com, “Re align to planet 9, maximum sublight speed, go, go.” Dox groaned. He wished he had time to order repairs to the deep scars on the Raven’s armor plating, but he could tell from the urgency in the admiral’s voice that something pressing was underway. “Fleet warp coordinates coming in now Captain”, his bridge commander informed him over the shipside. “Warp Drive Active”, blurted the navi computer, and once again Dox was off.

As Dox’s Raven dropped out of hyperspace the cockpit of his capsule lit up with pulsating light. Dox looked out the viewport and was astonished at what his implanted eyes showed him. Silhouetted inside the haze of countless warp disruption spheres was an alliance Avatar class titan. The ship designator beeped on his HUD and Dox was saddened to see it was Gaia Jane, the same captain who had bridged him into this hell storm. As the tactical overlay came up on the HUD, Dox could see hundreds of enemy warships orbiting in formation outside of the warp disruption spheres raining in weapons fire on the hapless titan as it sat dark with its main power offline, as if someone had simply turned off a light switch and went to sleep. Dox watched in awe as the hull of the great ship buckled and gave way in a massive explosion that sent a shockwave outward for hundreds of kilometers. The captain’s capsule ejected from the rubble and auto warped off into the distance. A much more somber Admiral Goberius came over the com unit, “Fleet fall back to the stargate, regroup in the 8QT-H4 system.”

As Dox set the coordinates into his navi computer, he couldn’t help but think about Captain Gaia Jane after today’s events. As the warp drives spun up to enter hyperspace, Dox typed out a quick note to Gaia Jane on the pilot to pilot line. Dox smiled proudly as he finished. “Warp Drive Active”, the navi computer announced. Dox clicked ‘transmit’.

“My condolences on the loss of your Avatar, sir. Perhaps you will consider the triple rep fitting design I have attached to this note in your next ship purchase.

Regards
/Dox”